The Writing Fairy Blahg

Conference Notes

Dorothea Helms — Mon, 14 May 2012 11:15:36 +0000

I attended the CCWWP conference on the weekend. Met some great people, heard a lot of presentations. Got to hear Will Ferguson speak – what a hilarious guy! Stayed in the Humber College Lake Shore Campus dorm with a bunch of my WCDR friends – fun, fun, fun. Presented a paper, chaired a session, participated in the AGM and took part in some fascinating discussions about creative writing and the teaching of it.

I will be interested to see what direction CCWWP will go in the future. Writers and teachers from academia comprise most of the membership. I hope people in the organization will remain open to the fact that important work is being done by creative writers and creative writing instructors in the community, and continue to recognize our voice as well. I believe that through our participation on the weekend, we showed that having a PhD and being associated with an educational institution are not necessary in order to be a good, effective writing teacher, and that writers at all levels benefit from respect and encouragement.

As Co-Chair of the CCWWP board, Clem Martini said in his closing remarks that people join organizations out of passion and curiosity. That’s why I joined CCWWP. Congratulations to the new board members, and thank you to those who are stepping down. The work involved in establishing a new organization is overwhelming.

EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME!

Dorothea Helms — Fri, 04 May 2012 15:16:46 +0000

To all those driving behind me heading south on Durham 23 this morning, I apologize for doing the speed limit. I don’t know what I was thinking, forcing you to tailgate and then pass me unsafely, even sometimes on the double yellow line.

Really, I had my nerve, possibly making you a minute late for wherever you were heading off to. Why, oh why do they give people like me driver’s licences? Again, I apologize.

Oh, and if the sarcasm fits, you know what to do with it.

And yes, I know that was a mixed metaphor. I don’t care. If you don’t like it, put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The Writing Fairy Presents…

Dorothea Helms — Fri, 02 Mar 2012 05:17:01 +0000

I have decided to produce my own television show. I’m now casting for “The Real Housewives of Sunderland.”

If you live in Sunderland, Ontario, have had work done (on your body, not your house – all residents of Sunderland are working on their houses), have an IQ lower than your waist size, have more money than common sense, and can carry on a high-school cat fight like nobody’s business, come audition.

Cleavage is a must, and high, high heels. A little floofy dog you carry with you everywhere may give you an advantage.

And bling… don’t forget bling.

BOOKS

Dorothea Helms — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 01:02:20 +0000

The finest thing any book can do is to inspire the reader to think for herself/himself.

FUN WITH FREELANCING

Dorothea Helms — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 14:13:40 +0000

There’s still time to sign up for my “Fun With Freelancing” 10-week course at Blue Heron Books in Uxbridge. Starts Feb 27 and runs for 10 Monday evenings. I’m going to cover how to make money writing. Don’t be scared – we will do a few things with numbers, but it won’t hurt. I promise Learn how to do up a basic invoice, what files to keep, what receipts to keep, how to market – and mainly how to value yourself enough to charge professional rates. Sign up at www.blueheronbooks.com – and remember, in a country where the average freelancer makes $24,000 a year, I continually pull in yearly revenues into the six digits!

A ROMANTIC MYSTERY

Dorothea Helms — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 00:46:38 +0000

Folks, about 25 years ago, my husband found a wedding band in a parking lot. I honestly can’t remember whether we tried to find the owners at that time. It was around the time we moved from Scarborough to Sunderland, and its existence slipped my mind. Well, the ring showed up today as I was looking for something else. I’d like to find out whose it might be and return it.

Here’s the poop. It’s 14 carat gold. Inside, the inscription reads Liz – Fred and then a date. Is there anyone who can identify the date and describe the ring design or size?

Rich and I have been married for over 40 years, and the Liz and Fred mentioned in the ring got married before us!

THINGS I’D LIKE TO DO AFTER I DIE

Dorothea Helms — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 12:33:23 +0000

Sit with my beloved family members who have already passed and have a mouth-watering meal cooked by my mother, Aunt Mary, and my brother-in-law Pat (he’s in charge of meatballs).
Sit and smoke cigars with Mark Twain while we have a long chin-wag about literature.
Find out the entire truth about JFK – who shot him, whether the person acted alone, etc.
Sing with Amy Winehouse, Janis Joplin, Edith Piaf, Nat King Cole, and Billie Holiday (not necessarily at the same time, although it might be interesting).
Dance with Michael Jackson (this is my fantasy; it could happen).
Perform skit comedy with Red Skelton, Gilda Radner, and Madeline Kahn (maybe we could be on a celestial version of the Ed Sullivan Show)
Hang out with George Harrison and John Lennon (unless Yoko shows up – she’s too weird for me).
Discuss religion and atheism with Christopher Hitchins.
Have tea with the Brontë Brontë sisters, Charles Dickens, and George Eliot.
Bunk with Estelle Getty, Rue McClanahan, and Beatrice Arthur until Betty White gets there (I could play the role of Rose in that Golden Girls production, no problem).
Have Johnny Carson interview me and George Carlin on the same show.
Perform “Rinse the Blood off my Toga” with Johnny Wayne and Frank Shuster (I want to be the one who says, “I tole ‘im, Julie, don’t go!”).
Spend time with Erma Bombeck talking about husbands, kids, etc., so I can let her know how much her sense of humour influenced mine.
Punch Pat Robertson in the nose (if I die first, I’ll wait).

THAT’S IT FOR NOW … stay tuned for more stuff I want to do after I die.

WRITE TO WIN!

Dorothea Helms — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 17:40:55 +0000

Gang, if you are not otherwise occupied next Saturday, January 21st, and you’d like to have a fun day learning how to increase your chances of winning writing contests, consider attending “Write to Win” – the workshop that Ruth Walker and I are teaching at the Aurora Public Library. We’ve done this workshop before, and it’s exciting and informative. Many of our past participants have gone on to en…ter and receive recognition in contests, as well as advance their careers in other ways. I mean … really … isn’t it a contest to just get published nowadays? To succeed, your writing has to rise to the top of the pile. We can help you make that happen. And if all of that isn’t enough, Ruth and I are two of the cutest presenters you’ll ever meet.

You HAVE to preregister to attend the workshop – go to www.writescape.ca

Random Thoughts

Dorothea Helms — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 16:45:07 +0000

I was born in 1951, and the United States has Area 51. Coincidence? I think not! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…

People worry so much where they’re going when they die. All I care about is finding out who really killed JFK.

The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Really?

I LOVE the show “Storage Wars.” Wonder what that means about me?

Merry Whatever

Dorothea Helms — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 19:08:53 +0000

To the Christians out there who are in a snit about saying “Merry Christmas”: say it all you want. Scream it. But don’t criticize me for having switched my general greeting to “Happy Holidays.” If I know someone celebrates Christmas, I say Merry Christmas. If I know the person is Jewish, I say Happy Hanukkah. If I don’t know that person’s beliefs about this time of the year, I say Happy Holidays. That covers all the various religious, cultural and even secular beliefs that permeate this season. To me, it’s logical and a matter of consideration for others.

December is a month when people get together, celebrate, give, receive, eat their brains out and in general, act the way they should all year long. Christians, especially, should embrace the concept of inclusiveness – unless they are hypocrites, of course.

I am happy to see that the idea of inclusiveness is now part of our schools and governments. I hope it becomes an even more significant part. Separation of church and state is a key element in the North American way of life we enjoy.

Just as no one is stopping anyone from bowing his/her head and saying a silent prayer in school, no one is stopping you from saying Merry Christmas to people you know celebrate Christmas. As for the rest of the time, why not say Happy Holidays? It’s the thought behind the greeting that counts, and assuming that your way is the only way is illogical.

One of the best cards I ever mailed out featured a menorah on the front with Christmas lights strung on it. The only words on the card were “Merry Whatever.” To me, that embodies the true meaning of the holidays.